Tag Archives: women

“Dress Like a Woman” Part 2

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45 announced recently, that  he wanted any female on his staff to “dress like a woman.”  I asked my friends on Facebook to post photos of their ideas of how a woman should dress, and I posted my own.  I’ll begin with that one, and show you what everyone else posted as well.

When you “dress like a woman,” this is what you look like:

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These are all examples of what women dress like.

This is an example of 45’s idea of how a woman should dress.  This is his wife, the FLOTUS.

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When the Abuser is a Woman

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I am an advocate for women. That is what makes writing this post so difficult.   I have done volunteer work at a rape crisis center, have volunteered in a battered women’s shelter, have assisted women in crisis.  I am sympathetic to the plights of women as minorities, and empathize with the inequities that exist between the sexes. Does this mean I’m a “man hater”?   Um…no.  I have a wonderful husband, a new grandson and many outstanding male friends,  a couple of whom  mean a whole lot to me in terms of how they enrich my life.  I am close to my father, and I adored all of my now-deceased uncles, and the one uncle who is still living.   My sons-in-law are great….so I am very fortunate to have all of these great men in my life.  However, my women friends are not just my women friends.  They are my sisters.  I feel a strong connection to other women and relate strongly to their thoughts, feelings and situations.  This is what makes it so difficult when I learn that a woman has been abusive toward a man.  I feel that she sets other women back by decades.                                    

Are we not above this?

 

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My friend has been on the receiving end of some serious domestic violence lately.  It is not the first time that it has happened, and I am conflicted about how to help him.  He does not want trouble.  Like any victim, he feels shame at the thought of anyone turning his abuser over to the police.  To make things worse, his  abuser is a petite flower (i.e.”stink weed”) much smaller than he, and loves to pretend that *she* is the victim.   She strikes and then feigns injury herself and has been known to call the authorities in situations where SHE was the batterer….She is mentally ill, a very dangerous type.  This violent dervish is no victim.  She hits him.  She breaks his personal property.  She screams at him.  She spies on him.  She belittles him.  It doesn’t take a genius to note the patterns that have formed through the years, nor  to ascertain that she is the liar in this scenario.  In this particular case, the abuser is also an excellent actress.   Therefore, many people outside of their home only know her as  a “really great lady.” Little do they suspect how cruel and spiteful she truly is. Then again, there are those of us who know what she is and how her seedy little mind operates.

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 Her actions not only hurt the man she is abusing.  They hurt all women, just as male-against-female domestic violence hurts all men.   I am a woman, so this issue effects me….and all women.  I hate it when men abuse women.  I also hate it when women abuse men.   I am writing this today, to speak out against domestic abuse that occurs between men and women, but in this case,I am speaking out  against  women who abuse men.    Domestic violence is wrong.

Are you with someone that  purposefully chooses to destroy only the objects she knows will hurt you emotionally – using these demolition derbies  as a demonstration of her desired power and control?   In actual fact, they are a demonstration of her emotional immaturity and selfishness.

This is the case in the abusive situation that my friend is in.  Do not be silent if you see this happening among people that you know and love.  Abusers fear exposure.  Expose them!  This is what I am going to do.  If I EVER hear of this woman abusing my friend again, I will call the police and have her thrown in jail.  I will not hesitate, even if it costs my relationship with my friend.  This is going to stop, and it is going to stop NOW.

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According to recent studies, approximately two in every five cases of domestic violence are caused by women who abuse men.  This contradicts the notion that it is always the women who are left bruised and battered.  Men that are assaulted by their domestic partners are often not taken seriously by the police, witness their attackers walking away free and have fewer refuges to where they can flee.  Data that was gathered  from Home Office statistical bulletins in England, as well as submitted by the British Crime Survey,  support the fact that men made up about 40% of domestic violence victims each year between 2004-05 and 2008-09.  2009 was the last year for which figures are currently available. In 2006-07 men made up 43.4% of all those who had suffered partner abuse in the previous year, which rose to 45.5% in 2007-08 but fell to 37.7% in 2008-09.  Similar or slightly larger numbers of men were subjected to severe force in an incident with their partner, according to the same documents. The figure stood at 48.6% in 2006-07, 48.3% the next year and 37.5% in 2008-09, Home Office statistics show.  musician

Men have a completely different set of problems with which to cope.  Because women can often be perceived as “less than” men within a given society, and are, at times,  not valued as highly as men, no one is surprised when one is battered.  This is terrible, but the data exists to support this unfortunate claim.  However, the societal pressures when a man is physically/emotionally abused by a woman are completely different.   Just as a woman feels shame and embarrassment when she is abused, men feel it, too, but for different reasons.

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This, from help guide.org:

An abusive wife or partner may hit, kick, bite, punch, spit, push, throw things, or destroy your possessions. To make up for any difference in strength, she may attack you while you’re asleep or otherwise catch you by surprise. She may also use a weapon, such as a gun or knife, or strike you with an object, abuse or threaten your children, or harm your pets. Of course, domestic abuse is not limited to violence.

Your spouse or partner may also: 

Verbally abuse you, belittle you, or humiliate you in front of friends, colleagues, or family, or on social media sites.

  • Be possessive, act jealous, or harass you with accusations of being unfaithful.
  • Take away your car keys or medications, try to control where you go and who you see.
  • Try to control how you spend money or deliberately default on joint financial obligations.
  • Make false allegations about you to your friends, employer, or the police, or find other ways to manipulate and isolate you.
  • Threaten to leave you and prevent you from seeing your kids (or pets) if you report the abuse.

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If you have been abused and need immediate assistance, call 911 or your local emergency service.

Abused men can also reach out to the following organizations for help:

  • U.S. and Canada: 1-888-7HELPLINE (1-888-743-5754)

 

Abusers use domestic violence to gain and maintain complete control over their victims. It is not uncommon for an abuser to use guilt, fear, shame or intimidation to wear down their victims and to keep them under their control.  Abusers  may also threaten to take away their victims’ children or pets.

 

dv6Verbal abuse can be severely damaging as well.  Often men believe, that if they are not being physically abused by their partners,  they are not being abused.  This is wrong.  If either men or women are in a relationship which is draining something from them… that person may not recognize that his or her self-esteem is eroding his or her  happiness through verbal, mental, emotional and other forms of abuse.

In addition to physically harming him, my friend’s partner also verbally abuses him.  I want to help him by exposing her.

The following is a list of ways to tell if someone is being abused without being physically touched:

  • Withholding:  Does the abuser stop speaking when he or she is displeased?  Does he or she ignore you?  does he or she withdraw affection in order to punish?
  • Countering:  Are you told continually that you are wrong if you don’t agree with?  Does he or she argue against your every thought?  Tell you your feelings are wrong?  Tell you that you don’t know what you’re talking about?  Are you forbidden from having your own opinions? friends? life?
  • Ridicule [Verbal Abuse Disguised as Jokes]:  Are you being made fun of?  Are you being ridiculed about subjects that you are particularly sensitive about?  Does your partner seem to enjoy it?    Does he or she use sarcasm to put you down?
  • Blocking and Diverting:  Is  the subject abruptly when you try to bring something up?  Does he or she divert serious discussions by accusing you of virtually everything under the sun?
  • Accusing and Blaming:  Are you blamed for everything that goes wrong?    Does he or she accuse you of hurting him or her when you tell him or her your feelings?  Are you continually accused of having affairs?  Is your partner jealous?
  • Trivializing:  Is what you say belittled?  Are your feelings or accomplishments dismissed?  Are you frequently insulted when you express pride in your own abilities?  Are you treated as if your work is no big deal?
  • Under-mining:  Is your enthusiasm destroyed with insensitive comments such as, “You wouldn’t understand”, or “You’ll never make it”?  Are your ideas sabotaged by his or her pointing out all the ways in which they might fail?   Are you interrupted when you need time alone?
  • Threatening:   Are you overtly or covertly threatened with emotional pain?
  • Name-calling:  Are vulgarities used to insult you?  Are you called cruel names?
  • Ordering:  Are you ordered to do something instead of being asked?
  • Judging and Criticizing:  Is fault found with everything that you do?  Are you told that you “ought to” or “should” do things a certain way?
  • Denial:  Do you witness denial by your abuser that certain things happened?  Are you told that the abuser didn’t say something or that you never saw something occur?
  • Abusive Anger:  Does your abuser erupt into a rage when angry?  Is there screaming, yelling, or shouting?  Are obscenities hurled in your direction?  Does your abusers body language become more aggressive?  Does she stomp, strut, hit things, or hit you?  Become red in the face?  Throw things?Does she physically get in your way, or follow you from room to room?  Snap at you?  Is she usually irritable?  Does all of this usually take place in private, when you are alone?  [ It’s a sure sign things are escalating if she attacks you in public. ]
  • Refusal to Accept Responsibility:  Are you blamed for his or her anger?

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If you know someone that is being abused…man or woman….encourage that person to leave.  Encourage them to prosecute.  You will be helping ALL survivors of domestic violence when you do.  Being passive is not the answer.

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Self Acceptance in The New Year

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This year.   I have an exercise for you.  This is about self loathing. And self-acceptance.

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Take a plain white sheet of paper.  Fresh paper.  No lines.  And get a really good ink pen…whatever kind you like.  Then….make a list.  Write the numbers 1 – 10 in a line down the page.

Next, list the top ten things that you loathe about yourself.  It could be anything.  Your hair.  Your inability to come up with a clever witticism when needed.  Your inability to perform mathematical calculations.  You’re a lousy cook.  You think you’re too fat.  You hate the sound of your own voice.  Whatever you don’t like about yourself….Write it down.

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THEN….

BURN IT!!!                                     René Best guitarist

That’s right.  Take the list outside and set that mo-fo on fire!  Burn up every single negative, self-loathing thing you said about yourself…and when the fire goes out and you are left with ash….send it up to the sky!  Let the breeze carry it away!

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Then….Make a new list.

Make a bunch of lists.  Put them up all over your house.  List the things you love about your life.  List the things you love about yourself.  List those things you are grateful for.  List the people and things that make you happy.

Then smile.

There is nothing wrong with you.   Everything is as it should be for now.  Everything is going to be alright.

Husbands, Wives and Blue Jasmine

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John and I went to see Woody Allen’s latest masterpiece, Blue Jasmine, last night.  The story is centered around a once-monied woman whose dependence on men resulted in her insanity and homelessness.

The film was an updated version of Tennessee Williams’s anti-heroine reveries about a faded Southern aristocracy that has been replaced by contemporary delusions that were bred by life as lived among the 1 percent in the Hamptons and in Manhattan.

The film begins with Jasmine’s (née Jeanette’s) arrival in San Francisco, broke but still flying first class, the dazed victim of a financial scandal involving her former husband.   Now homeless, she is forced to rely on the comfort of her adopted  sister, the slightly depressed, but still happy-go-lucky Ginger, who is romantically involved with a blue-collar lug named Chili.

Ginger resides in San Francisco’s version of the Barrio, and accepts her “lower” lot in life.  She works as a grocery clerk, a low, but honorable position in society.  Good, honest work.   Although she would love to “move up” she does what she has to do to get by.  Jasmine, on the other hand, cannot accept the fact that she has moved from point A to point B and dwells continually in her former state of wealth that disappeared from her grasp due to her reliance upon a man…her former husband…who let her down.

This film was written to perfection.  It was beautifully shot and directed very well.  I do not fault Allen’s failure to capture lower class San Francisco accurately, since he is such a New York-afile, but this was an unimportant detail in the overall scheme of things.  It was a great film!

It was also jarring.

How many women do you know that develop false senses of security because they are, or once were, married to wealthy men?  When I think of the ones in my own family, I feel ashamed and embarrassed.  When these marriages fail, they retain the sensibilities that their undeserved privileged lives once imparted,  and they become jokes in the eyes of society.

These individuals may still drive their luxury automobiles or wear their designer clothes, but they live in dumps and behave as though they are notches above their neighbors with whom they now share the same income brackets.  They need wake up calls to tell them that THINGS are just THINGS.  They need to come back down to earth and stop being pretentious.

Karma only tends to be a bitch if you are….and this goes for men and women alike.   Ones actions create that person’s  karma, and if someone wound up in the dregs of the low life, it is of her own doing.    Winding up as Cate Blanchet did  in Blue Jasmine  is not the fault of the crooked  ex husband.  It is the fault of the woman that places her faith in a man and thinks that it elevates her above other people.  Those types DESERVE to be taken down a notch or two, and I smile broadly as I think of a couple that this has happened to.

Women should be strong.  They should stop taking handouts from their husbands, generate their own income streams and be self-reliant and independent.  A marriage should be a partnership…Not a free ride.  Every person alive should learn to make his or her own way through this life.  If a spouse is successful, that is great.  However, one should not assume that another person’s success is HER success.  It isn’t.   Her husband’s success is HIS success.

Every woman should be strong and independent on her own.  She should prepare for life’s ups and downs and not put all her eggs into one basket.  She should become whole before marrying instead of expecting her husband to complete her.

If she doesn’t, she may just end up in a living hell where it is hot….hot….hot.    If she doesn’t become whole first, she will end up whining about her ex husband for the rest of her life and claiming that it was all HIS fault,  instead of living the good life that every woman should have.

There’s Something About an Aqua Velva Man

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What happens when men play the roles that women usually play in television advertisements?

Oh, How I Love my Tea

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“Oh How I love my tea,
Tea in the afternoon
I can’t do without it
And I think I’ll have another cup
Very, very soon!”

I always think of my best woman friend, Katy, when I hear this song. She is a Brit, and we have shared many cups of tea together in the afternoon. Tea, in fact, has always been a big part of my life.  I collect teapots.  I have dozens of different varieties of exotic teas.  When I am in San Francisco, in particular, or anywhere in the world,  I go to tasting-after-tasting to try all of the rare tea blends….and I usually end up spending WAY too much money on tea, but it does bring me a great deal of pleasure, so I allow myself this indulgence once or twice a year.

When I lived in Houston, a few of my women friends and I used to meet for high tea at the Four Season’s Hotel once a month. I have heard rumors that the hotel no longer offers this service, but back in the day, it was great. We would wear our best hats and lace gloves and enjoy our poached quail egg with truffle aioli on toast, or chevré and Portobello mushroom profiterole, or whatever they were serving on the particular day.    The lovely tiered silver tray would have alternate layers of sweet and savory offerings…tiny cucumber toast points with cream cheese and fresh dill…petite fours filled with chocolate mousse…or vanilla bean créme. Divine!

The dining room was grand, and the wait staff was formal and attentive. Having tea in Houston was not like having high tea in London, but like most things Texas, it did have a charm of its own. I drew the line, of course, if anything was served on that horrible Texas toast. 🙂

There would be live classical music played in one corner of the room, and the waiters all wore formal suits. People spoke in low, but friendly, voices. It was a lovely way to spend the afternoon. Of course, we would all have glasses of champagne at the end as well, and would give these nice toasts to one another and our lives and families. I enjoyed these afternoons, very much.

So I raise my glass…or my tea cup, as it were, and toast the days gone by….to Peggy and Tamara….to Katy….to live and love and happiness.
And now, I shall prepare myself a cup of pear ginger white tea and get back to work! I talked to a friend on the phone until the wee hours of the morning today, so I need a pick-me-up to get me going. It’s almost noon already! yikes!